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Frequently Asked Questions

(With real answers, as submitted by students)*

Why study music?

Learning music is violence-free and never involves getting sweaty, running around a track, or tossing around spherical objects. Not that there's anything wrong with, er, any of that. We just offer a clean alternative.

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Why study piano?

Piano does not require any spit input, nor do you have to wave a stick wildly in one hand to make a sound come out. Of course, the most sound and logical reason would be...because your mother wants you to.

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What is a good age to start lessons?

The best age to start lessons is somewhere between your birth and your death. Things before and after...can be a little difficult to arrange with us. Do not worry about the appropriate age to stop lessons because it doesn't exist.

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Am I too old to study piano?

No, and starting now at the age of 60+ is a good idea, because if you don't, you'll regret it at age 80.

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Do I have to have a piano?

Can you take an oboe lesson without an oboe?

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What about a keyboard?

If you are starting out with a keyboard and are saving for a piano, take note that you will most likely need more than one piggy bank. Perhaps elephant banks would be apt.

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How do I go about choosing an instrument?

We like the "Spin the Piano Hammer in a Bottle" method: Place a piano hammer in a bottle, place it on the floor in a piano showroom, spin the bottle on the floor, and buy the one that it points to!

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How do I know you are a qualified teacher?

...Being a piano teacher is not exactly an unusual or suspicious vocation, so there really is no reason to be paranoid about this being a hoax.

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Can I get a referral?

That's "May I get a referral?" to you. But, yes, of course you may.

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How long and how often are the lessons?

Lessons are once a week, a week here being defined as 7 days (you'd be surprised by people who think there are 6 days in a week). We must warn you that lessons may seem longer or shorter depending on your state of mind.

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Can I sit in on my child's lesson?

In your own home, you are free to curl up on the couch with your pet named Fido (whether imaginary or real), but I'm afraid this is not the case in the studio. Refrain from bringing blankets and/or pillows. Or your pet Fido, for that matter.

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Will you give lessons in my home?

Yes, if necessary, although students taking lessons at home are generally more prone to distractions. These distractions being...your cake baking in the oven, or your cat scratching up the furniture. Or even that highly poisonous East African snake slithering up your back RIGHT NOW...which just happens to be your pet, oddly enough.

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Do you teach at night?

Just how late do you mean? We don't rise and sleep with the sun here, but we aren't nocturnal either.

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How much practicing is required?

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The question should be stated as, "How long should my breaks between practices be?"

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How can I assess my child's progress?

Use security cameras as a last resort.

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What about recitals?

What about them? Here's a tip: remember, it's "I shall play..." not "I will play." It's best not to change the names of the composers either. Many of them might be dead, but that doesn't mean they don't have lawyers.

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What happens if I miss a lesson?

Why would you want to miss a lesson? Don't you want stickers?

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What if I need to change the regular time of my lesson?

Well...it gets changed. You have a spiffy new lesson time. Whoopdeedoo!

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What should be my first step in arranging lessons?

The first step you should take is to leave this site soon, as you can't contact Mr. Ortiz directly through here. We do not give you the steps to stop taking lessons.

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Where is your studio located?

Somewhere in a house on a street in a city in a region in a state in a country belonging to a continent on the planet Earth in the solar system in the Milky Way galaxy in the ever-expanding universe. We believe in giving you specific answers here.

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My question is not listed here/I have more questions.

...You have more questions? Well, if a question is very frequently repeated, we will add it here. Check for upcoming updates.

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*Mr. Ortiz is therefore not responsible for the content on this page, as this was purely student-constructed. Completely, honestly, and totally.

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